


Guide You Through

by KKetura



Category: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-28
Updated: 2012-08-28
Packaged: 2017-11-13 02:30:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/498456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KKetura/pseuds/KKetura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elena turns into a vampire. Damon helps her deal with it the only way he knows how.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Stupid Girl

**  
**

_“Feels like the walls are closing in on me. I'm suffocating, I can barely breathe.  
And you've got me right where you want me.”_

_—Framing Hanley_

Damon stood staring at Meredith in stunned silence, trying to wrap his mind around what she had just said as she continued to stare up at him with eyes full of pity and a hint of fear. He blinked rapidly, falling back a step, as if space would help him process.

“You fucking _helped_ her?” he finally snarled, roughly blowing by her, knocking her out of the way in his haste.

She was right next to him an instant later, hounding his footsteps again. “Damon, just calm down—”

He grabbed her and slammed her into the wall, fighting every instinct in his body not to rip her apart. After a long moment he loosened his grip. “Where is she?” he demanded, a thousand different emotions flitting across his face.

Meredith let out a long sigh, easing away from him. “This way.” She led him down to the elevators and once inside, hit the bottom floor.

He turned and glared at her with barely suppressed fury. “She’s in the morgue?”

“Someone called the cops. The paramedics showed up and brought Matt and her here. They pronounced her dead on the scene. Stefan’s with her.”

“Stefan,” he growled, staring straight ahead again at the steel doors.

A ding sounded and the elevator finally opened to a cement hallway lined with equipment and empty stretchers. Damon didn’t wait for the doctor, but blew by her towards the sound of frantic voices, slamming the double doors open and instantly freezing at the sight before him.

Elena sat on the metal table, still dressed in her dripping closes, her hair hanging in damp tendrils around her face, her eyes wide with shock as she sucked in frantic breath after breath. One hand was on Stefan’s shoulder as he bent next to her, an arm around her shoulders, a stream of low words pouring from him.

Damon’s heart clenched for a brief moment with relief and joy at seeing her moving, breathing before him. And then reality sank back in and the emptiness he had felt for days seeped back into his bones. That and anger.

Elena glanced up suddenly, her eyes fixing on him and she let out a small sound. “Damon?” she breathed.

Damon felt the familiar flutter before it was drowned out by other things. He turned to his brother, and before he could really comprehend what he was doing, he had him pinned to the wall, his arm across his throat.

“You fucking idiot!” he screamed, emphasizing his words with a punch. “How the hell could you have done this?” He shook Stefan’s unresisting body, willing him to fight back, to say something. “Damn it, Stefan, why?!” he yelled gain, loosing his hold on the carefully constructed walls around his emotions.

A hand on his arm caused him to freeze, and he quickly fell back from both of them as he realized it was Elena.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she said softly, moving towards him. He stumbled back so she couldn’t touch him and she stopped trying, a deep frown forming on her face. “This isn’t his fault, Damon.”

“Yes, it is, Elena,” Stefan said, his eyes fixed on anything but her or his brother. “I should have been there sooner. I should have known—”

“It’s not you’re fault,” she said again, more firmly.

“Yes it is,” Damon snarled, causing her eyes to snap to him. “You just let her die, Stef. You get to live with that.” He turned away, running both his hands through his hair, seeing Meredith standing hesitantly in the doorway.

“You need to get her out of here,” she said, glancing back down the hallway. “The Council’s back on high alert. No one can see her.”

Damon let out an exasperated sound, turning back to the two of them staring at him, one with confusion and pain, the other with heart wrenching grief. All three stood unmoving, completely overwhelmed, before Elena broke the spell.

“I want to go home,” she said, her voice small. She looked away from the two of them, her arms wrapping around herself.  “Can you take me home?”

Damon didn’t know who she was talking to, but hearing her like that, so lost and broken, the rampant fury pouring through him dissipated instantly. “My car’s outside. I can give you a ride,” he said, his voice barely louder than hers. He glanced at his brother. “Stefan?”

The other vampire shook his head. “I came in the ambulance.”

Damon watched him come forward and lay a hand on Elena’s arm and he turned away. He didn’t want to see this. Not now.

Meredith ushered them into the hallway, pointing down the dim hall. “There’s an exit to the parking lot at the end of the hallway,” she said grimly. “My shift’s over in an hour. I—I’ll let you know how Matt is doing,” she added hesitantly before turning and hurrying away.

The drive to the Gilbert house was tense and silent. No one brought up the ultimate question that was on all of their minds. Damon’s knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. He was surprised he hadn’t snapped it off yet.

“Does… does Jeremy know?” Elena asked from the seat next to him.

Damon cast a quick glance at her before forcing himself to concentrate on the road. “No,” he says curtly.

“How do you know?”

His grip tightened a fraction more. “Because I went straight to you’re house when I got back and Jeremy told me what happened. He didn’t mention you’d be coming back.”

Elena let her head fall into her hands and he had to physically restrain himself from reaching out and comforting her. He glanced in the rear view mirror at his brother who just continued to stare at her with mournful eyes. Damon shook his head and looked away in disgust.

“Just take me to the boarding house,” Elena said abruptly. “I can’t—I don’t want to do this to Jeremy. I don’t want him to have to say good bye to me twice.”

Damon felt like someone had just drop kicked the air out of him. He knew she didn’t want to be a vampire, but ever since Meredith had spoken those words, there had been that small flicker of hope that just maybe she would reconsider. He heard the metal in the steering wheel creek and he forced himself to loosen his grip. He didn’t say a word, just kept driving instead of taking the turn to the Gilbert’s.

When he finally pulled up outside the house, he practically sprinted from the car. He didn’t even need to breath and he felt like he was suffocating. It was one thing to know she was gone, to be unable to do anything, but to have to go inside his house and watch her whither away… He didn’t know if he could do it.

He turned around in the driveway, watching the two of them get out of his car and walk away from him and he wished that Ric had just finished him off. It wasn’t worth this.

Elena stopped, spoke a few words to Stefan, and then turned around towards him. When she started walking towards him, he almost bolted. They’d said their goodbye on the phone. He couldn’t do it again.

She stopped in front of him, closer that he would have liked, and looked up at him, her brown eyes wide and watery and he felt his insides twist. Why did she to this to him? Why couldn’t he just cut her out when he knew she would never be his.

“I’m glad you’re all right,” she said, her voice shaky. When he didn’t respond she shifted, her eyes dropping. “I’m so sorry, Damon.” She hesitated, looking into the woods, back at the house, anywhere, before they came back to him. “I—I know I said I’d let you go, but… but that was before and… “ She gasped and he almost lost it. “Can you just stay, until…”

Something in him snapped. He reached out and pulled her to him, crushing her against him, his face burying in her hair. “Of course I’ll stay,” he said in a muffled voice. They both knew he wasn’t going anywhere.


	2. Stranger in a Strange Land

_“Violent inside, beautiful and evil. I’m a ghost. You’re an angel.”_

_—30 Seconds to Mars_

            He let her go slowly, knowing it was for the last time. Every fiber of his being was screaming for him to drag her away, force the blood down her throat and damn the consequences. It would be better than this. _Anything_ would be better than this.

He stepped back from her, needing the space, and she managed a small, sad smile before she turned and walked back towards the house, toward Stefan waiting inside the door.

Damon let out a small sigh and followed, his hands shoved into his pocket, his shoulders hunched as if his body was already trying to protect him from what he knew was coming.

Just as he was about to cross the threshold, Stefan stepped in his way, blocking him. “Damon, I…” He stopped and his brother looked up at him, a hint of the fury from earlier rekindling in his eyes. “I’m glad you’re alright.”

Damon started to respond with a harsh comment then stopped, a thought flickering into his head. He almost shied away from it, but the frantic, desperate part of him wouldn’t let him. It was a plan. A shitty plan, but a plan, none the less. He could work with that. He shook his head, looking up at his brother. “What are you doing, Stefan? She needs you.”

Stefan gazed at him for a long moment then nodded and turned into the house. Damon watched his retreating back for a moment then walked back out to the driveway, grabbing his phone and hitting the speed dial.

“What?” Jeremy’s harsh voice snapped through the speaker.

“You need to come over to the boarding house. Now,” he said, forcing his nagging conscious to shut up.

“I’m going to the hospital, Damon. Whatever crap has come up, I’m done with it. I’m done with everything.”

Damon gritted his teeth. “Elena’s here.” Deafening silence met him and he shifted slightly on his feet.

“What do you mean?” Jeremy asked in a small voice after what seemed like forever.

“She’s in transition.”

Another impossible stretch of silence where he didn’t dare to breathe. He heard Jeremy draw in a shuddering breath. ”I’ll be right there,” the boy said and hung up. Damon dropped the phone to his side, a deep frown crossing his face before he turned and entered the boarding house.

Elena sat on the couch in the study, a heavy blanket wrapped around her and Stefan across from her, holding a mug of something hot. He was forcefully reminded of the time he had faked Bonnie’s death. Elena had been pissed at him then too. Looked like this wouldn’t be much different.

“This is depressing as hell,” he chimed with empty enthusiasm, heading straight for the drinking cart and pouring himself a health dose of bourbon before coming around and sitting in the chair a noticeable distance from them.

“I’m not going to transition, Damon,” Elena said quietly, looking to Stefan for support who only looked away.

“Why?” he demanded, leaning forward, ignoring the shattering pull somewhere in the vicinity of his heart.

She blinked at him, pulling her arms closer around her. “You know how I feel about it.”

“Actually, I don’t.”

“Damon, please. I don't want to argue. Not now…”

Damon looked up at his brother in exasperation, his eyes narrowing at the helpless look on his brother’s face. “Seriously, Stefan? You’re just going to step aside—again?”

Stefan bristled slightly, standing. “I’m trying to respect—”

“You fucking respected her to death!” he yelled back, finding himself on his own feet.

Elena was suddenly between them, her hands out in an almost comic fashion. “Stop it, both of you! This isn’t helping anyone. I did this, Damon. This was my choice. Please, sit down.”

“Sorry, Elena, not everyone’s going to do exactly what you want today,” he snapped, downing the contents in his glass in one gulp. “There’s no reason to do this. Why are you just throwing everything away?”

“Damon—”

“He’s right… Elena,” Stefan said reluctantly. “I can show you how to live without hurting people. Look at Caroline. We can get through this,” he practically begged.

Damon snorted and turned to get another drink.

“I know what I’m giving up, Stefan,” she said.

“I don’t think you’ve _really_ thought about it, Elena,” Damon said, glancing towards the door. “But you will now.”

Elena followed his gaze to the door, standing slowly as fear drifted over her features. “What did you do?”

“If you’re going to let yourself die, I’m going to make damn sure you know exactly what you’re doing, to _everyone_.”

The front door burst open and Jeremy rushed in, stopping in his tracks when he saw his sister. Elena stood, unable to move, and a second later he was in front of her, pulling her into a crushing embrace. “Jesus, Elena, I thought you were really gone.”

“Jeremy—” she said in a choked voice.

He stiffened and pulled back at her tone. “No. No! You are not doing this to me! You can’t!”

Tears leaked out of the corner of her eyes and she roughly wiped them away, her gaze getting caught by Damon’s who stood to the side, watching her with intense blue eyes. She shook her head and looked away abruptly, back to her brother.

“You’re all I have left, Elena,” Jeremy pleaded, sounding so young and helpless. “Please don’t. I’ve lost everyone else.”

Damon looked away, unable to watch the nearly unbearable pain on Elena’s face. He should have known that even this wouldn’t change her mind—she was almost as stubborn as him—but he had to do something, even if it was a little underhanded. He couldn’t force her to turn; he wouldn’t after the last time, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t make the decision hard for her. Too bad none of it mattered.

“Okay,” she said unexpectedly in a small, trembling voice.

Damon’s almost non-beating heart nearly failed him. His eyes snapped to her, and he barely dared to breath.

“Are you sure?” Stefan asked, taking a quick step forward.

“Of course not,” she said with a mirthless laugh, wiping the remanding tears from her eyes. “But you’re right, Jer, I can’t leave you.” She smiled sadly and glanced at Stefan and then Damon. “And I have you two to help me.”

Damon let out a long breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He felt himself sag in relief, and he had to fight the urge to grab her and spin her in his arms. “I’ll, um, go get some blood bags,” he said instead and quickly headed to the basement.

He took his time, trying to comprehend what this turn of events meant. Elena had chosen Stefan. She made that pretty clear a few hours ago, and he’d made a deal with Stefan. But it wouldn’t be sixty years of banishment from the only people he really loved, it would be forever.

He let out a shuddering breath, leaning heavily on the cooler. He could do this. He had to. He knew he couldn’t just sit on the sidelines and watch it all play out again, not after he’d gotten a taste of how amazing they could be together. Leaving was better, at least for now.

He grabbed a bag of blood and closed the cooler door, standing straight. He’d see her through this and then leave her to be happy with his brother. He didn’t need to worry about her anymore. Elena wasn’t a breakable little human, and he was still the bad guy. Mystic Falls didn’t need one of those anymore.

He came up the stairs and rounded the corner just in time to find Stefan pulling his jacket on. He stopped and frowned, looking around. “Where are you going? Where’s Elena?”

“She’s upstairs. I’m going back with Jeremy. Bonnie’s missing.”

“What?” he asked incredulously. “You’re going to run after the witch? Now? Stefan, Elena—”

“I can’t be here for this, Damon,” he snapped, looking away. “I never wanted this for her, and it’s all my fault.”

Damon’s frown turned into a glower. “Yes. It is, but she needs you, Stefan. She chose you. Stop being a goddamn martyr, and get up there!” he snapped back, getting pissed. “I’ll go look for the witch if it’s that important right this fucking minute.”

Stefan shook his head and started for the door. “She needs you more than me right now. She asked for you.”

That stopped Damon in his tracks. “Why would she do that?”

His brother shrugged. “I’ll call you if I hear anything,” he said, and was gone.

Damon stood stunned and confused, staring at the closed door. Elena’s choices were giving him whiplash quicker than Ric’s beating had. He shook his head, refusing to think anymore into it and headed upstairs to find her.

He checked Stefan’s room first, surprised to find it empty before he reluctantly made his way to his own. The door was cracked and he slowly pushed it open to find Elena sitting on the end of his bed, her knees pulled up to her chest with her long, bare arms wrapped around them.

She looked up when he came in, unfolding herself and slipping to the floor, her whole body radiating anxiety. Damon walked past her, and dropped the blood bag onto the nightstand. She stared at it, a strange hunger flashing in her eyes before she forced herself to look away, a deep frown on her face.

“It’s okay to want it,” he said softly, taking a step towards her.

Her dark eyes snapped back to his, flicking to the blood for a split second, and then back. “Is it?” she asked, her gaze wandering over his face before she looked away.

 “Yes,” he replied, his voice rough. He stepped away from her, a hand running through his hair. “Why did you ask Stefan to send me up here?” he asked, trying to stay on track.

“I wanted you here,” she said simply.

His eyes narrowed. “Why not him? You told me you made a choice.”

Elena flinched. “I know, I just thought…”

He sighed in exasperation, his patience running out, his emotions too frayed and on edge to play this game. “You thought what, Elena?”

“You’re better at this!” she yelled, turning on him, their gaze meeting. Damon felt the spark that was always there flare between them and he forced himself not to move into her. Instead he moved farther away. She immediately looked away again, her gaze falling on the blood bag. “I need to be able to control this.”

“You will.”

 “I don’t want to turn out like Stefan did,” she said softly.

“No Bambi blood?” he asked, somewhat surprised.

“I didn’t say that. Maybe. “ She shrugged. “But I’ve never seen you lose it. I thought about what you said, about Stefan.” She looked back at him. “Will you help me?”

He nodded, his heart constricting painfully. “Yeah.” He shrugged out of his jacket, throwing it on the bed and then grabbed the blood bag, ripping the tube out of the top.

Elena’s mouth opened in a gasp and her breathing picked up, her eyes locked on the crimson liquid between them. Damon felt a thrill run through him as he held it away from her, his own breath shallow.

“Last chance, Elena,” he said in a husky voice, forcing her to look at him.

Her eyes blazed with hunger and she licked her lips. “I want it.”

A smile slipped over his features. “Okay, then.”


	3. Look After You

_When I’m losing my control, the city spins around. You’re the only one who knows. You slow it down._

_—The Fray_

Elena felt the pull through her entire body, a need she couldn’t explain or control. She lunged for the bag again, but Damon grabbed her and held her back, a stern look on his face. The cool touch of his hand on her upper arm snapped her back to herself and she fell back a step, a feeling of horror slipping over her.

Damon moved suddenly and he had his hands on her face, his thumb running soothing circles over her cheek, his eyes boring into hers. “Listen to me, Elena. You can do this. It’s hard at first, but you’re the strongest person I know.  I will not let you lose yourself. Understand?”

She nodded, taking a deep breath. He gazed at her for another long moment, as if searching for something and then stepped back, picking up the blood bag and handing it to her once more.

She took it slowly, her hand shaking, fighting with every fiber of her being to not just rip into it.  She looked up at him and he nodded, a pained expression on his face. She raised it to her lips and took a long pull, an uncontrollable moan escaping her as the life giving liquid finally slid down her throat. Her hand clenched around the bag, sending another surge of blood into her mouth and she started to feel a warm tingling rush over her face as pleasure shot through her entire body.

A sharp pain in her gums caused her to gasp, falling back a step and dropping the now empty bag as realization hit her. Sensation shot through her and she reached up a hesitant hand, touching the slightly raised veins around her eyes. She looked up at Damon in a panic, her breath coming in uncontrollable gasps, unable to get a handle on the tidal wave of feelings she was being hit with.

He took a step towards her, and she fell back, her legs hitting the bed and shifting it across the hard wood floor. She jumped at the sound and suddenly Damon’s arms were around her in a vice grip, holding her back tight to his chest so she couldn’t move.

“Just calm down, Elena,” he said soothingly in her ear when she briefly struggled against him. “Just take a deep breath and relax.”

She couldn’t control it. Her entire body was singing with the need for more blood and she couldn’t make the blood drain from her eyes or her fangs go away. She could barely think about anything else. “Oh god, what have I done?” she gasped, feeling like she was suffocating, her legs trembling like she wanted to run.

Damon pulled her back, sitting them both on the bed so she was cradled in front of him. “Don’t do this, Elena, please,” he said, and through her panic she thought she heard a hint of desperation in his voice. “Please, just calm down.”

The blatant plea in his voice pierced through the haze momentarily and she nodded, trying to concentrate on what he said. She sucked in a long breath, trying _not_ to concentrate on the feel of the fangs in her mouth, or the taste of the blood still on her tongue, or the feel of Damon’s skin against hers.

She just concentrated on herself, on being Elena. She thought of Jeremy and Bonnie and Caroline and Matt, of Damon and Stefan, and felt an overwhelming surge of emotion hit her so hard it caused her to gasp. God, she loved the all _so_ much. A tear slid down her cheek at the thought of Ric and her parents, and Jenna and so many others. The warmth flowing through her quickly started to darken and she shied away from the gaping chasm that yawned before her, threatening to consume her.

She realized she was shaking and that Damon was frantically trying to calm her down. She took another deep breath and let it out, letting her body completely relax in his hold.  

“Elena?” Damon asked in a hushed tone.

“I’m okay I think,” she said, frowning as she realized the tingling in her face and the dull ache in her gums was gone. She turned in his loosened grasp and faced him, the slight feeling of triumph she felt fleeing at the sight of his face, his usual mask of indifference completely shattered as he stared at her.

“Hey, I’m okay,” she said quickly, her emotions roller coasting all over the place again as she realized how lost he must be from all this as well. The tell tale tingle was back causing her to start to lose her tenuous thread of control.

Damon’s face shut down immediately, and he reached out and grabbed her shoulders. “I know, Elena. Just look at me—you’re more than okay.”

She nodded swiftly, meeting his blue gaze and forcing herself to relax once more. “Please tell me this gets easier,” she whispered, reaching up and grasping his hands in a vice grip.

His hesitation only lasted a split second, but she noticed. “It gets easier,” he stated matter of factly, and she almost believed him. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding and he grinned at her, running a hand up through her hair before quickly slipping off the bed and helping her stand.

She gazed around the room, acutely aware of how easy it was to see in the darkened space. She could hear peepers outside, trees moving in the slight breeze, and the old house settling slightly on its foundation. She took a deep breath, smelling wood and leather and soap, and something she could only identify as Damon.

She turned towards him where he stood unmoving behind her and really _looked_ at him. His expression was guarded, his ice blue eyes gazing at her giving nothing away. She was momentarily distracted by his eyelashes, and she had to physically restrain herself from reaching out and brushing them with her fingertips. She shuddered as warmth spiked through her body, and she tore her eyes away.

His clothes were a disheveled mess, and she realized with a shock that part of what she smelled was the blood dried on his shirt and flecked on his skin—his blood. It didn’t have the same overwhelming pull that the human blood did, but she still found herself stepping towards him, her gaze fixed on the red stain on his chest visible under his shirt collar. Her hands clenched at her sides as a wave of fury swept through her. She’d never wanted to destroy someone or something so badly in her life—and that’s what she wanted to do to whatever had hurt him. She looked up and met his gaze, her own eyes blazing.

“You were hurt?”

Damon blinked, obviously surprised. “Elena, you died. Doesn’t really matter what happened to me.”

“It matters to me.”

Damon’s expression darkened and he stepped away from her. “I’m going to call Stefan. He should be done blubbering to a bunny by now,” he muttered, heading for the bedroom door.

Elena suddenly found herself in front of him with no exact knowledge of how she’d done it. Damon fell back a step as if he too was surprised by the movement and Elena felt the brief urge to laugh bubble up through the anger. She had always been taken by surprise by his supernatural speed. Seemed payback was a bitch.

“What is it, Elena?”

“Who was it, Damon? I need to know.”

His eyes narrowed. “Why?”

She frowned, trying to pin down the exact reason. “I just… I don’t want them doing it again.”

Damon looked away, his expression torn. “It was Ric,” he said after a moment, “and now he’s gone.” He looked back at her. “I’m going to call Stefan.”

The anger fled as quickly as it had come, and suddenly she didn’t want him to go. She frowned, confused for a moment where that had come from. She looked up at Damon’s carefully blank face, and suddenly she knew. The uncertainty was gone. Her emotions where too violently consuming to be confused or ignored any longer. She’d had a brief surge of it earlier, but so many other thoughts had been running through her head that she hadn’t had time to think about it, but staring at Damon, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else but in the same room with her, she knew.

She was in love with him.

She let her breath out in a whoosh. She’d chosen Stefan, and judging by the way Damon was acting, he wasn’t forgetting that anytime soon. She bit her lip and looked away. That had been the right choice—at that moment. She hadn’t known she was in love with him, and so many other factors had played into that decision. She had wanted to see Caroline and Tyler, and Stefan too. She still loved Stefan. And how could she turn her back on a love that she knew was tested and true for just the chance of something else, the possibility of love and passion and a little bit of the good kind of danger.

She frowned slightly. She hadn’t known she was in love with him. She knew now, with every fiber of her being, and she had no idea what she was going to do.

She stepped back out of his way, feeling dazed. “Sorry,” she said softly, but for which wrong she had done him, she wasn’t sure. “You do what you think you need to do.”

Damon hesitated a moment and then quickly moved past her to the door. He paused on the threshold, his phone already in his hand as he looked back at her. “Just… don’t go wandering off. The sun’s going to be up soon. That’ll be a bit of an issue until we can find Witchy and get you a ring.”

She could feel the blood drain from her face as she glanced at the window. How could she have forgotten? She forced herself to tramp down the wild panic and turned to Damon with a forced smile and a nod. His brow furrowed slightly, but he nodded back and then slipped from the room.

As the door clicked shut behind him, she lost it. She slid to the floor at the base of his bed and let the tears finally flow freely. Big, wracking sobs shook her whole body and she pulled her knees up to her chest, clutching her arms around them like it was the only thing holding her together. All the guilt and anger and sorrow and fear washed over her in alternating waves until she wanted to scream with the pain of it all.

Love wasn’t supposed to hurt this badly. She knew. She’d loved Stefan and it had been so easy and simple, but, God, did it hurt now. Every emotion that was destroying her right now was because of love; love of her family, love of her friends, love of two vampires that had stolen their way into her heart. And where had it all gotten her—sitting on a cold wooden floor, dreading the rising of the sun.

She wrapped her arms tighter around herself, and realized with a gasp that she could shut it all off. She could almost feel the switch inside of her, begging to be flipped. Nothing would matter and she’d finally be free.

She stilled as the thought took root. It was so tempting and would be so easy. She briefly considered it, about to do it and make all the pain go away, but then she thought of Jeremy and all the good she’d miss with the bad and she quickly dismissed it. She’d gotten herself into this mess, albeit unintentionally, and she could figure it out. She looked back at the good moments, memories with her parents and Jenna, slumber parties with Bonnie and Caroline, the first time she’d met Stefan, her first encounter with Damon…

She frowned as something flashed through her mind, something important. She tried to remember what it was, but it was like trying to remember a dream and the harder she thought about it the less she could even remember. She shook her head and dismissed it, wiping away the tears and standing.

This was who she was now. She’d concentrate of figuring out how to be a vampire, and then she’d sort out the mess that was her emotions. She was Elena Gilbert. She could do this.  


	4. Before It's Too Late

_“And the risk that might break you, is the one that would save you.”_

_—Goo Goo Dolls_

She slipped out of the room hesitantly, looking for Damon. When she didn’t find him upstairs she stole down the steps, surprising herself by how quietly she could move. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and listened, instantly zoning in on his voice. She made her way through the house and out the front door, stopping when she found him pacing in the dark in the driveway, his phone to his ear.

“Damn it, Stefan. It’s over and done with. She’s fine.” He paused. “I don’t give a fuck about Caroline right now. You need to get your ass back here.” He stiffened and spun around, his gaze fixing on Elena standing on the porch. “This isn’t a negotiation, Stef,” he hissed into the phone and then ended the call, sliding it into his back pocket.

“How ya doing?” he asked, coming towards her, lightly springing up the step to face her. “Stefan should be back soon.”

“He’s blaming himself for this,” she said, frowning, torn between her anxiety for Stefan and the fact that she could make out ever detail of Damon’s face in the almost non existent light.

Damon stiffened slightly at her comment. She could practically feel the anger coming off him, but he just shook his head and didn’t say anything. He looked her over, smirking at the slightly awed expression on her face. “Didn’t take you long to find me.”

“I could hear you,” she replied, glancing out into the darkness abruptly, distracted by a distant sound. She forced herself to ignore it and focus back on him. “Where’s Jeremy? I need to see him, let him know I’m going to be all right.”

Damon shook his head, reaching out and turning her around and forcing her back inside the house. “Nope. No way. The sun will be up in less than an hour, and you don’t want to be around people just yet.”

“Damon,” she said critically, breaking his hold with surprising ease. “It’s Jeremy. He was a wreck when he left.”

“Yes, Jeremy. Cute, little, full of warm pumping blood, Jeremy,” he said, letting her go and facing her.

At the mention of blood she could practically feel her mouth starting to water. She flushed in embarrassment, shame, and a sliver of horror. They were talking about her _brother_ , for heaven’s sake!

“Would you like some?” Damon asked quietly.

Her brown gaze snapped to his, and she felt the tingle around her eyes briefly before she forced herself to think about something other than what she was craving the most. “Uh, no. I’m okay.”

Damon flashed in front to her and she stepped back in surprise. “Denying yourself isn’t going to help anyone. It will only make it worse. You asked for my help. If you wanted to play the martyr you should have asked Stefan.”

Anger flared white hot within her. “Damn it, Damon! I’ve been a vampire for what? An hour? I have no idea what I’m doing!” she cried in near desperation. “The way you looked at me earlier after I transitioned…  How can you expect me to just go for it again?” she yelled, her voice cracking slightly at the end.

Damon paled. “It wasn’t the blood, Elena,” he said, the shocked look that had flitted over his face vanishing to be replaced by regret and understanding. “It was you. I was watching you fall apart in my arms.” His expression softened slightly, and he hesitated before continuing. “Do you still trust me?”

“Yes,” she said softly, knowing it was absolutely true.

He nodded as if to himself. “Okay, because I need you to be honest with me—with yourself. You need to understand what drives you before you can control it.”

She let out a long breath, raking her hand through her long hair. “Okay,” she said, squaring her shoulders and facing him. “Honesty.” She hesitated then plunged on. “I want blood.” She let herself own it, and her lips parted slightly with the acuteness of it. “No, it’s more than want. I _need_ it.” She looked up at him, her eyes darkening even as that spark of fear flashed in them. “I’ve never needed something so badly in my life. Damon,” she gasped, breathlessly, as she reached out and grabbed his arm in a death grip to steady herself.

“Easy. I got you,” he said, grabbing her hand. “Come with me.” He tugged her towards the stairs to the basement and the monster inside of her writhed with glee, knowing exactly what it was about to get.

She tried to move past him, but he held her tightly, forcing her to a human pace until they reached the freezer in one of the locked rooms. He let her go, giving her a warning look to stay put as he opened the big lid and pulled out a bag.

Her whole body twitched to jump him and take it, but with a supreme effort she forced herself to stay stone still. He looked up at her as he closed the freezer and smiled slightly. “Good girl.”

“Damon, don’t treat me like a child,” she snapped, her patience completely frayed as she stared at the bag in his hands.

He smirked. “You kinda are.”

She snapped. She lunged for him, a freedom she couldn’t explain flowing through her as she completely gave into her nature. All she could think about, all she wanted was to rip and tear and feed, and if she admitted it, maybe fuck a little too.

She caught him by surprise, knocking him back into the shelves of junk against the wall as she heard the delicious crack of bones and a grunt of pain. He grabbed her arm, twisting it violently, and she growled at him, but her other hand found the bag and in the wild struggle, it ripped, spattering cold red blood over the two of them.

The smell overwhelmed her, and she lunged for his throat, just wanting to sink her teeth into something. Damon moved, faster than she could follow, and suddenly she found herself slammed into the wall next to the door, gasping as pain momentarily flashed down her back and ribs. She pushed and kicked and struggled, trying to dislodge him, but he was still way too strong for her as he held her hands bound in one hand, his other wrapped around her throat.

She looked up at his completely vamped out face speckled with blood, the blue of his eyes even more startling in contrast to the deep scarlet, and her breath caught as she slowly stopped struggling, aware that he was very obviously pressed against her from knee to chest, pinning her to the wall. His fingers around her neck loosened, gently brushing her skin, and the veins around his eyes disappeared. He gazed down at her with eyes darkened by something that made her insides twist, and that part of her she really didn’t want to acknowledge come roaring to life. 

She licked her lips, feeling her new fangs, and as abruptly as her sense had gone, it came flooding back.

“Oh, God,” she breathed, not sure which emotional cliff she was about to plummet over.

There was a sound to her right, and she felt Damon stiffen a split second before he disappeared to a spot across the room from her. She slumped slightly, looking up quickly to find Stefan standing in the doorway staring at her.

“Stefan?” she said in a small voice as she took in the shocked look on his face.

His expression darkened as he turned his gaze on Damon and she knew exactly what was about to happen next. She shook her head, sliding down the wall, her hands fisting in her hair. “No, no, no, no, no,” she started saying, over and over, not even completely sure what she was saying no to. She was aware of some yelling,  and then strong arms wrapped around her, picking her up easily and carrying her from the dank room.

She was laid on something soft and she forced her eyes open, blinking through the thick tears. She felt a light hand on her shoulder and recoiled, jumping off the bed she was on and facing the person in the room with her.

“It’s okay, Elena,” Stefan said slowly, talking to her like she was a wounded animal, and maybe she was.

She looked around his room with a frown, briefly catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror, her hair wavy and disheveled, blood splattered across her face, her eyes dark with blood lust. She looked like Katherine.

“I’m just like her,” she breathed as a fresh horror overwhelmed her.

Stefan took a step towards her and she flinched back. “You’re nothing like Katherine,” he said firmly, staying where he was.

She looked at him, wondering, if she was nothing like Katherine, then why was that the first thing he responded with. “I attacked Damon,” she said in a steadier voice than she felt.

Stefan shook his head. “Damon shouldn’t have had you down there. I don’t know what I was thinking, letting him anywhere near you.”

“Stefan, I—” she started, her voice breaking, but he moved in front of her, his face a mask of determination as he hesitantly brought up his hand and brushed her bloodstained cheek, his fingers sliding through her hair.

“Everything will be fine, Elena. We can get through this together. Just the two of us.” He smiled, but she didn’t think it reached his eyes. “We can start over.”

She flinched away from his touch, turning away. She didn’t know what she wanted anymore. It hadn’t been simple, and easy wasn’t the right word, but when she had made her decision before the crash, she had known it was the right thing to do. Now… she just didn’t know. She knew she couldn’t just lock herself in this room with Stefan and forget everything else, like she had done in the past.

“I need to talk to Damon. I need to apologize,” she said, turning back to him.

Stefan blinked in surprise. “No you don’t, Elena. He pushed you too far. You couldn’t help yourself.”

“That’s exactly it, Stefan. He was trying to help me so I _could_ help myself.” She shivered as she flashed back to the feeling of power and freedom she had felt course through her in that moment, the need she could still feel just under the surface. She felt the brief tingle in her eyes and quickly pushed the thought aside.

Stefan was staring at her with a furrowed brow. “This is all my fault.”

“It was my choice, Stefan.” She reached up a hand, touching his face, and he closed his eyes as if in pain. “Please don’t blame yourself. I’ve already hurt you so much.” She closed her own eyes as regret flashed through her, squeezing her heart in a vice grip. “Both of you.”

“I’ve hurt you back.”

“I know.” She backed away. “I’m going to talk to Damon.”

Stefan opened his eyes. “Damon left.”

She felt like the floor had dropped out from under her. “What?” she asked in a cracked voice.

Stefan shook his head as he started to respond, but she was already gone, rushing from the room and flying down the stairs. She checked the basement, the giant cooler of blood forgotten, and the drink cart in the study before looking in his room and every other room she could think to check.  

“Elena, stop!” Stefan called, as she stumbled to a halt in the main living room, her gaze falling on the front door. Maybe he was out in the driveway making a phone call. Hadn’t he said something about Caroline earlier?

She flashed to the door, ignoring Stefan’s frantic calls behind her, and threw it open, only to find the rising sun.


	5. Numb

**“** _I’ve been in a daze. It seems like days that I’ve been waiting for this dream to pass. It goes so fast. It seems nothing lasts. I think I’ve lost something."_

_—The Airborne Toxic Event_

 

Elena stared up at the dark ceiling, letting the latest of her tears slip down her cheeks into her hair sprawled on the bed sheet. She was sure she’d been crying almost nonstop for three days.

Stefan had dragged her back into the house after she’d collapsed into a writhing, screaming mess just outside the door. He’d rushed her up to his room, wrapped her in a blanket, and come back with a bag of blood. She’d refused at first, but she could still feel the burning sizzle on her skin, and eventually she couldn’t hold back any longer, ripping the bag from Stefan’s hands and burying her fangs in it.  Relief was sweet and immediate.

Stefan had tried to stay with her, but his comforting caresses and whispered words only made her feel worse and eventually he left, that same, sad look on his face that he seemed to constantly wear around her. Once she was alone, the tears started and she let them come.

Familiar voices woke her from her unintentional nap several hours later. She opened her eyes, concentrating on the sounds and immediately knew it was two humans, their heartbeat singing to her. She was already off the bed when the door opened to reveal Stefan.

“Don’t let them up here, Stefan, please,” she begged, her senses already tuned past him.

Stefan nodded. “Bonnie just heard what happened. She wanted me to give you this.” He held out a small ring with a circular blue stone encased in silver.

She took it hesitantly, slowly slipping it onto the ring finger on her right hand. She looked up, tears in her eyes. “Tell her thank you.”

“Jeremy wanted you to know he was sorry and that he loves you,” Stefan said, adding his own feelings to the words.

Elena nodded. “I can’t see them now, Stefan. I don't know what I might do.” She looked past him. “Is Caroline here?” she asked hopefully. If anyone could understand what she was feeling right now, it would be Caroline.

Stefan looked remorseful. “She’s missing. We’ve been trying to find out what happened. Tyler’s gone too.”

“Damon?” she asked in a small voice.

“He’ll come back soon, Elena. He probably just needed to blow off some steam,” he replied, his expression wary.

Elena turned away without a word and stumbled back over to the bed, collapsing onto the sheets and curling up, waiting for so many things.

The next morning Stefan had appeared again, this time with a mug full of blood, telling her she needed to eat. Once again, her body had responded without her consent, but one whiff of the substance in the cup stopped her short, making her painfully aware that there was something different, and it was just enough for her to throw herself back away from him, screaming at him to get it away from her, to leave her alone.

He told her it was okay, that he knew she was upset, but that it was animal blood. She should at least try it. She’d responded by throwing a lamp at him and locking herself in the bathroom. She didn’t want any type of blood. Not when it did this to her. Stefan sat outside the door, trying to talk to her for hours before he finally gave up and left with a whispered “I’m sorry.” As the door clicked shut, she’d lost it, sobbing until her ribs hurt, even with her accelerated healing.

The third day went much the same. Stefan came and talked to her for hours, no blood this time, and when she didn’t respond he finally left again, saying he was going out briefly and if she needed him, to call and he’d be back immediately.

So Elena found herself alone for the first time since she’d turned, staring up at a dark ceiling, contemplating every decision that had gotten her to this place.

When all the sounds in the house died away, she slipped from the bed, padding silently to the bathroom and running the shower. She stood in front of the mirror for several minutes, staring at her pale reflection and feeling the gnawing hunger, wondering what would have happened if she hadn’t been born the doppelganger.  She shook her head and crawled under the steaming water. She couldn’t do this anymore. It was done. Time to lay the self-pity aside and move on with her life, or whatever this was.

She was slowly toweling her hair dry, wrapped in some cozy pajamas when she heard a crashing sound outside. She froze, straining to hear more, wondering if Stefan was already back. When she didn’t hear anything else, She steeled herself and slipped from the room for the first time in days, slowly making her way down the steps and stopping in front of the door, vividly remembering the last time she’d stepped through it. She knew it was dark outside, but she glanced down at her ring, eyeing the lapis stone critically.

Another crash caused her to jump slightly, and she froze, weighing her options. The smartest thing to do would be to call Stefan and stay inside. She was in Mystic Falls, after all, who knew what could be out there.  Resolve hardened in her however. She was a vampire now, not a breakable human. She might as well take advantage of what she could. And she was curious. She swung open the door, making her way to the garage, where she paused, concentrating on any sounds from inside.

She heard some scraping, maybe some footsteps, and what sounded like a quick curse. She took a short, unnecessary breath and yanked the door open, hearing the hinges squeal in protest as she almost ripped it from the frame.

She saw a figure bent over on the other side of Stefan’s car and before she really thought about it, she flashed towards them, only to find herself slammed back against the trunk of the car.

“Damon?” she said in a small, shocked voice, looking up at him with wide eyes. He stumbled back, releasing her immediately and tripping slightly on something and catching himself with the shovel in his hands.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked, anger lacing his voice as he turned to glare at her. “Shouldn’t you be asleep or something?”

She remained frozen for a long moment, emotion overwhelming her as she gaped at him. “Where have you been?”

His brow crinkled slightly and then he shrugged. “Here, there. You know, around,” he drawled, swinging the shovel up to his shoulder and quickly maneuvering around the random strewn debris towards the open door.

“Damon!” she yelled, following him, desperate to keep him in sight lest he disappear again. She moved in front of him, forcing him to stop. “I’m serious. I—I ‘ve needed to talk to you. To apologize.”

His brow shot up almost comically as he dropped the tip of the shovel into the gravel. “Apologize for what, Elena?”

“I attacked you.”

He stared at her for a drawn out moment. “Nothing I didn’t deserve.” He brushed by her, heading down the driveway.

“I’m serious, Damon. I'm sorry about what happened.” She jumped in front of him again bringing him to a halt.

Damon glared at her, a look of irritation covering something else. “Don’t worry about it, Elena. Stefan was right.” He glanced around. “Speaking of, where is Mystic Fall’s favorite son?” He looked back at her, his pale eyes raking over her and a frown appeared on his face. “Has he gotten you on the Thumper diet already? You don’t look that good.”

 She looked away, remembering the unappetizing mug of blood from the day before. “No. Not yet.”

His frown deepened but he dropped it, swinging the shovel up to his shoulder again and turning towards his car that she saw parked towards the end of the driveway, almost out of sight.

“Where were you, Damon?” she asked again in a small voice, causing him to freeze in place, his back to her.

“You let me go, Elena,” he said so quietly she knew she wouldn’t have heard him if she had been human.

“Things are different now. I—I need you to get through all of this.”

He turned back to her, a look of indifference sliding over the flash of pain she saw on his face. “Are they really, Elena? You still have Stefan. He’ll help you through this. Hell, even neurotic control freak Barbie has it figured out. Talk to her.”

Elena clenched her hands, fighting to calm down. “Caroline’s missing. You know that. And Stefan…” She looked away “I just need you to help me, Damon. Please? I can’t explain it, but I just need you here. I’m not… I’m not ready to let you go yet.”

A small, bitter smile slipped over his lips momentarily. “Yet,” he said softly, his eyes empty. He shook his head. “Fine. You win.” He turned away. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

The relief that had rushed through her quickly turned back into panic. “Wait! Where are you going?”

“I have some errands I need to take care of.” He glanced back at her with his classic smirk firmly in place. “Relax, Elena.”

“Errands that require a shovel?” She looked at his car as she followed him, dread replacing the panic. “What did you do, Damon?”

“We couldn’t have everyone think you were actually dead, now could we?” When she only looked at him in confusion he rolled his eyes and continued. “The paramedics that picked you up. I had to track them all down and compel them. Then there were the two cops. They were both on vervain so I had to wait them out. One got a little…resistant.” They’d reached the car and he popped the hood unceremoniously, revealing the body lying there.

The smell hit her like a punch to the stomach unlike anything she’d experienced yet. This was nothing like the cold, stale blood bags. She could smell the still warm, rich aroma assaulting her, calling to her.

She was aware of the snarl that slipped from her throat as she sprung forward, Damon bowling into her a split second later, his arms like steel bands around her as he pulled her back, swinging her around so she was facing the boarding house.

“Jesus, Elena! What the hell have you and Stefan been doing the last three days. It shouldn’t still be this bad,” he said in her ear, forcing her struggling form to a stand still.

“Close it, please,” she begged and he reached back with one hand and slammed the trunk closed, immediately holding her tightly again.

“That was my fault. I should have thought,” he said harshly and she shook her head. “Talk to me, Elena. What’s going on?”

“I haven’t…” She gasped, forcing her thoughts away from the blood in the car, so close still. “I just haven’t had any in a while.”

She felt Damon still behind her. “How long?”

“I don’t know, a day or two.”

Damon cursed fluidly, his hold tightening painfully. “Why the fuck not, Elena?! You’re brand-fucking-new! Do you want to turn into a Ripper?”

She shook her head, tears threatening. “I just… After what happened in the basement—“

Damon swore again and abruptly let her go. She stumbled at the unexpected loss of support and turned to him, trying not to shake.  “You’re a vampire, Elena. You want blood. That’s just how this goes. You didn’t hurt me the other day. I provoked you and I got what was coming to me.” He raked a hand through his hair, shaking his head. “Don’t be ashamed of who you are. You’re still Elena Gilbert.”

She shook her head. “No I’m not, Damon. I’m someone else now. Someone that I don’t recognize.”

“I recognize you,” he stated matter of factly, with such sincere intensity that she felt a little weight lift.

She nodded, unable to respond, and his brow furrowed slightly before he looked away, back towards the trunk.

“You want to work on your control, Elena?” he asked, quickly changing the subject.

“Of course I do.”

“Fresh blood would be better.”

She paled at the implication. “No, Damon. He’s a person—”

“He’s a corpse, Elena. He’s already dead. You really can’t do anything worse to him.” He looked back at her. “This is the worst it will get. You’re hungry and you have almost fresh human blood in front of you. You get through this, and you’re on your way.”

“I won’t get through this, Damon. Don’t—!” she started to yell, but he had already thrown open the trunk lid and the blood lust hit her all over again.

She held for a moment before she lunged, the veins under her eyes, and her fangs bursting through her gums. She pulled the body to her and had a split second of hesitation and revulsion before she sank her fangs into its throat.

The blood was sluggish and tasted slightly off, even to her limited palate, but it still held a hint of warmth and she moaned as she sucked in a mouthful, immediately feeling refreshed and invigorated, her senses kicking into overdrive.

She felt a hand on her hair and slowly became aware of a voice next to her.

“I know how good it feels. Believe me, I know.” She heard a self-depreciating laugh. “Just think through it, Elena. Think of what you really want.”

 _I want more_ , she snarled in her head, drawing another heady mouthful, but the hand continued to stroke her hair, slightly distracting her and his words finally really sunk in. What did she want? She wanted more, but a part of her wanted to stop.

 _Stop._ She latched onto the thought and with a groan pulled back, pushing the body away from her and scrambling back into Damon who gathered her in his arms and moved her away from the car before gently setting her on her feet.

“What did I do?” she asked in horror, still feeling the cold flesh against her hands.

Damon grabbed her face, forcing her to look at him. “You controlled it. You didn’t let the blood control you.” He ran his thumb over her cheek, over the slowly disappearing veins under her eyes, and she saw his careful mask slip as he searched her face. “God, you’re beautiful,” he breathed.

Something swam across her vision, her memory, and she stumbled back from him, breaking the connection. She frowned, unsure what it was before it sharpened and hit her like a freight train. She gasped, stumbling slightly as the memories hit her, one after another.

Damon stepped forward, concern and uncertainty written across his face, but she fell back another step. “What is it, Elena? What’s wrong?”

She looked up at him, blood and bodies and hard fought control completely forgotten.

“I remember.”


	6. We Are Broken

**_“_ ** _I am outside, and I’ve been waiting for the sun. And with my wide eyes, I’ve seen worlds that don’t belong.”_

_—Paramore_

  
  


“Shit,” he said softly, taking another step away from her, looking like he was physically bracing for impact.

Elena stared at him in shock, feeling like she couldn’t breathe. She stumbled back a step, tears pricking her eyes and knowing she couldn’t let them fall, not when he looked so lost and confused in front of her.

“Fuck,” he cursed, his brow furrowing more than Stefan’s on a Tuesday. “Elena, I’m sorry—”

“Why?” she choked out, desperately trying to keep herself from vamping out again. “You let me say all that to you over the phone, and… _this.”_ She couldn’t even fully explain herself, the implications of what she’d done to him along with the actual memories themselves completely overwhelming her.

His expression closed off instantly at the mention of that night. “You had enough to deal with.” He let out a long breath. “I'm not going to make excuses. I did it and I shouldn’t have. You should go back inside and wait for Stefan.”

“Damon…” she breathed, “I told you before that things are different now.”

“ _Nothing’s_ different now, Elena. I know you _care_ about me. I don’t need to hear it again.” He reached down and grabbed the shovel, violently throwing it into the trunk and slamming the lid. “You don’t need to worry. I’m not going anywhere,” he snapped, the bitterness in his voice cutting her straight to the quick.

Elena stared at him, her mouth open and the words stuck in her throat. _Everything_ was different now! How could he not see that?

 _Because you’re not letting him,_ a little voice whispered in her head and she swallowed hard. She felt like she was splitting in half, a physical pain in her chest making her feel like she was suffocating. God, how could she love him like this already? She was in love with his brother! Wasn’t she? She shouldn’t feel this way. A normal, human girl wouldn’t feel this way about her boyfriend’s brother.

She forced herself to think about Stefan, about how she felt when they were together, but all she kept seeing was that sad, almost disappointed look on his face when he came to talk to her the last few days; the resigned, heartbroken expression when he’d pulled Matt from the truck and left her in the water.

She felt something shift inside her and for a brief, surreal moment, everything just faded away, and she was left with nothing but what she could see and touch and hear. The pain of feeling was gone for a sliver of a moment before it all rushed back.

Panic hit her hard a moment later as she realized what had almost happened. She’d come that close to shutting it all off, and _god_ , did it feel good. She started to shake, her unnecessary breath coming in gasps as she desperately tried to get a hold of herself.

“Elena—” Damon started to say and she knew she couldn’t listen to him right now. She wasn’t ready to say what she needed to say and he wasn’t ready to hear it. Not yet, not like this. So she did the only thing she could do.

She ran.

She took off for the woods as fast as she could go, which was surprisingly to her, really, really fast. She barely felt the branches whipping past her, pulling at her clothes and hair, consumed by the feeling of freedom she felt. She felt invincible, her entire body humming with contented pleasure as she let herself go and just surrendered to it. She ran and ran until she felt like she might actually belong in this world after all. If she could feel like this from such a simple action, then maybe she could get through everything after all.

She finally started to slow when several lights appeared ahead of her and eventually she stopped on the edge of the woods. She looked around at the row of houses in front of her, surprised that her wild flight had brought her almost to her house.

The panic she’d let slip away during her run trickled back in, but she forced it down. It was the middle of the night. She couldn’t sense anyone moving around and she knew she couldn’t actually get into her house. Maybe she could see Jeremy.

The idea consumed her and before she knew it she was on the front porch, staring at the closed front door, wanting nothing more than to see her brother. She raised her hand, poised to knock, and stopped. She took a deep breath, wondering if she was ready for this and knowing for a certainty that she wasn’t. What if she tried to attack him? Sure, she couldn’t actually get to him, but was it really fair to Jeremy to see her like that.

She let her hand drop and turned away, sinking down to sit on the cold, wooden steps, her head in her hands.  

“Elena?” a voice called softly from a few feet away.

She jumped, startled, her first instinct to claw and fight her way to safety. She looked up to find Stefan staring at her warily and she looked around quickly before fixing her gaze back on him. “What are you doing here, Stefan?”

“Damon called and said you’d taken off. Are you okay?”

She tried to smile and failed miserable. “No, I don't think so,” she replied with a shaky voice.

He moved forward and sat next to her a careful distance away. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head, feeling tears slip down her cheeks. “No, not really.” She looked over at him, at the deliberate space between them. “But maybe we should.”

Stefan stiffened. “Elena—”

“We can’t do this anymore, Stefan. We’re lying to each other if we think everything is going to go back to the way it was before.”

“We just need time, Elena. You’re still settling into being a vampire. Give it time,” he said, his voice hedging on pleading.

She shook her head again, crying in earnest now. “I’m never going to be that girl again, the one you fell in love with, the one that fell in love with you, no matter how much time passes or how much you want it. I see the way you look at me now, Stefan. I can’t give you what you need.” She swallowed hard. “And I think, to get through this, I’m going to need you to let me go.”

Stefan sat back, his face falling, but a look of inevitable acceptance on his face. “I thought you’d made your choice. I thought it was me.”

“It was, and I’ll always love you, Stefan, but… I’m so, so sorry. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“I know,” he said, trying to give her an encouraging smile that just turned into a grimace. “And I don’t want to hurt you, and I know I have—that I am.” He shook his head, looking away up at the clear, dark sky. “I think I knew I was letting you go for good that night at Wickery Bridge.”

She nodded, wiping at the tears on her cheeks. They sat in silence for several long, tense moments before they picked up again, a quiet back and forth, full of tears and anger and understanding, but there was no pleading or the asking of why. They both knew how they had gotten here.

When they both had been silent for many long minutes, staring out into the darkness, consumed by their own thoughts, Elena finally turned to him, shaking her head sadly. ”Who would have thought this was where we would end up,” she said softly.

“Who knows,” Stefan replied, standing abruptly. “I… need some time,” he said, his voice rough. “You should go back to the boarding house.” And then he was gone.

Elena stared at the spot where he had been a moment before, and even as she felt a piece of her break, she felt the weight finally lift from her shoulders. She fell back onto the porch, staring up at the roof and suppressed the sob that bubbled up inside her.

“Elena!” Damon’s furious voice hissed at her, startling her from her dark thoughts. “What the fuck are you doing here?” She felt herself being yanked roughly to her feet as he swung her around to face him.  He looked unnaturally disheveled, his shirt slightly torn and dirty and what looked like a twig in his hair. “You can’t just run off…” His voice died as he got a good look at her, his face falling. “What happened? Where’s Jeremy?”

“Nothing, it’s okay. Jeremy’s still sleeping as far as I know,” she said, quickly wiping away any remaining tears.

He let go of her and looked around the dark porch in confusion. “Then what’s going on?” His blue gaze fixed on her and he frowned. “I just got a text from Stefan…”

Elena reached out and plucked the small branch from his hair, carefully removing it and twirling it in her fingers, the recent memories she’d gained flashing through her mind. “Sorry I ran like that. I should have known you’d come looking for me.”

“Why did you?”

She glanced up at him, a million different emotions swirling inside her. “I needed a minute to clear my head.”

The anger flicked back in his eyes. “And you couldn’t have done that in the _empty_ boarding house?” he asked. “Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass it is to search these damn woods at night?”

She winced, accidently snapping the twig. “I broke up with Stefan.”

Damon froze. “What?”

“That’s what happened… before you got here.”

Damon stared at her, blinking rapidly as he tried to process. “Why?”

She looked up at him. “I told you, things are different now.”

Damon opened his mouth as if to say something and then snapped it shut again. He glanced back at the yard. “Glad I searched half the county for nothing,” he snapped, falling back into the façade she knew so well. “I’m sure you two will have it worked out in a day or two.” He looked back at her, his expression careful blank. “I’m going to bed,” he said and turned away, walking quickly down the steps.

“Damon, wait!” she called, easily catching up with him. “I wasn’t thinking. I shouldn’t have run off like I did, but I couldn’t just stay there after remembering everything, remembering you. I… I was scared.”

He spun on her. “Stop! Just stop, Elena, please. I get it. I’m the problem.”

“That’s not what I meant!” she cried in frustration. “Will you just stop and listen to me for once instead of jumping to your own conclusions. I was scared of myself. Everything is just so much _more_ now.”

Damon stopped abruptly, his hands coming up and rubbing his temples in exasperation, his eyes closed tightly. “What exactly do you want from me, Elena?”

She started to answer and then stopped. She couldn’t do this here and now. Not with her break up with Stefan so fresh. “Did you bury that body in your car?” she asked instead in a small voice.

His hands dropped to his side and he looked at her pointedly. “No. I’ve been running around looking for you, hoping you weren’t adding another body to the one already in the trunk.”

She flinched slightly and pressed on. “Can I help?”

His expression went blank with confusion. “Help with what? Burying a body?” He stared at her like she had lost her mind. “Why would you want to help?”

She shrugged, fidgeting self-consciously under his intense gaze. “I just figured I might need to know how to do it at some point.” She glanced up at him. “And I can’t go back to the boarding house yet.”

“Ahh,” he said in understanding. He was silent for a long moment and she could almost hear him thinking up excuses to not do what she was asking, but finally he sighed and started walking again. “Are you coming or not?” he asked when she didn’t move, and she quickly hurried to catch up.

He led her back the way she had come, into the dark woods, muttering something about getting her away from people. She walked next to him, noticing the continuous looks he’d shoot her way as if waiting for her to bolt again.

She looked around at the dark trees and took a deep breath of the fresh air, smelling trees and dirt and living things and Damon. She shivered slightly and looked over at him, her eyes bright for the first time in too long. “Can we run?” she asked.

He took in her expression, a small smile playing on his lips. “Haven’t done enough of that tonight?”

She shook her head. “I’ll race you to your car?”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “You know I’m older and faster and stronger, right?”

She just grinned and took off. This was easily becoming her favorite thing. She felt Damon beside her a moment later and laughed, pushing herself harder, straining her ability to the limits, allowing herself to forget everything except the here and now and the slow pulsing of borrowed blood in her veins.

She burst out of the woods a few moments later, skidding to a stop a little ways from the Camaro. She looked up, shocked to see Damon already leaning nonchalantly against the driver’s door, a smug expression on his face.

“You were right beside me. How did you do that?” she asked, coming closer.

“Older and faster, remember?” he said, tapping his chest. “Let’s get this over with. If you’re still interested, that is.”

“I am,” she replied, coming around the car and slipping into the passenger seat. As Damon got in and pulled out onto the road she looked around, shuddering slightly as she realized the last time she was in this car had been right after she had woken up from being dead. She let out a long breath, sinking down into the seat.

“I see Bonnie gave you the ring,” he said quietly, breaking the silence.

She glanced down at the silver and lapis twisted around her finger. “Yeah, she came by a couple days ago. How did you know about it?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he said with a shrug, concentrating on the road and she smiled slightly to herself. He pulled over a few minutes later, driving the car onto a small dirt road until it was hidden by shadows and then killing the engine.

“You ready for this? I have to get him out of the trunk.”

Elena stiffened at the memory of the blood flooding her mouth. “We’ll see,” she said, breathing through the hunger that arose in her with a vengeance.

When Damon popped the trunk and pulled out the deputy, Elena had taken four steps and completely vamped out before she managed to stop herself. She fell back, gasping, her arms wrapped around herself as she fought to maintain control. Damon nodded in encouragement and told her to grab the shovel.

They walked through the forest for another half an hour before Damon dumped the body onto the ground and pointed to a random spot near an old tree. “Go for it, sweetheart,” he said with a grin.

Elena rolled her eyes, having managed to get her face back to normal on the walk. “Of course you’d let me do the actual digging.”

“Hey, I carried the body,” Damon retorted indignantly. “You’re the one that asked to help.”

Elena dug the shovel into the dirt with surprising ease. “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this with you.”

Damon nodded, lounging back against a tree. “Have to say, this is not how I pictured this night going either.” He watched her throw several scoops of dirt into the dark. “You’re doing well though.”

She glanced up at him. “Doesn't feel that way. All I can concentrate on right now is not running over there and ripping into his throat.”

“But you’re not actually doing it. That’s the first step, Elena.”

She gave him a small, lingering smile and continued to dig.

“You know he’ll come around.”

Elena stopped at the quiet comment, looking up at Damon to see him fixated on something on the ground. “He might, but I won’t.”

“Be serious, Elena. Your breakups never stick. He went on a season long ripper blood binge and you still got back together. This will blow over,” Damon scoffed, for all the world sounding like this conversation wasn’t tearing out his insides.

Elena shook her head sadly, her heart clenching painfully as she looked at him. “It’s over, Damon. We talked and it’s truly over this time.”

Damon finally looked up at her, his brow furrowed slightly. For a brief moment, she thought she saw a flash of hope in his eyes before it was snuffed out by firm, cold resolve. “Whatever you say, Elena.”

It took them another twenty minutes before they were done burying the body. Damon showed her how to disguise the grave, make it look like they were never there.

By the time they were done and heading back to the car, the sky had started to lighten slightly with the approaching dawn and Elena looked at it with both anticipation and fear. She hadn’t truly enjoyed the sun on her skin since before she died, but at the same time, the memory of being burnt alive was still achingly fresh and as much as she trusted Bonnie, the idea that a small piece of silver and stone was going to stop it from happening again caused her to pause.

“We’ll be back at the boarding house before it comes up,” Damon said, seeing her look.  “You shouldn’t have anything to worry about though.”

“I know,” she said with a small smile but thinking of Isobel. “Thanks for helping me, Damon. I know I haven’t said it, but I couldn’t have gotten this far without you.”

He made a small noise of disbelief. “I’ve been MIA since you first turned, Elena. You’ve done perfectly fine without me. Minus the whole not really feeding yourself thing, but that would have worked itself out.”

“I’m serious, Damon. I’ve only made progress on controlling myself when you’re around.”

He did the eye thing that she hadn’t seen in ages.“ I’m obviously not doing something right then,” he said suggestively, waggling his brows at her.

She laughed and shoved her shoulder into him. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Of course not,” he smirked back, his face going serious again a moment later. “The next step is actual people though, Elena. You can have impeccable control around blood bags and corpses, but once you get a whiff of the real stuff, it’s an entirely different ballgame.”

She swallowed hard, nodding. “Maybe we should work on that today. I want to see my brother sometime soon.”

He hesitated a second before plunging on. “Okay. We’ll go back, get some sleep and then I’ll take you out.”

“What do you mean, take me out?”

Damon smirked dangerously, and Elena felt it pull at things deep inside her. “I’m going to show you what it really means to be a vampire.”


	7. Tip of My Tongue

_“Oh dear, never saw you coming. Oh my, look what you have done.”_

_—The Civil Wars_

It took Damon the entire ride back to the house to convince Elena to go with him later that day, and even then she wasn’t really sure of her decision. After she finally agreed, and he had headed up to his room, she did a quick search for Stefan, finding the rest of the house completely empty. She left his room, knowing she couldn’t stay there and made her way down to the study, slumping down onto the leather couch and wrapping herself in an old blanket.

She felt… all right. Better than she had since she turned. She had a semblance of control for the very first time, and she no longer felt weighed down with indecision. She sat, watching the sun rise through the window for a long time, reluctantly reaching her hand out and slipping it into a beam as the light drew closer, laughing in joyful relief when she wasn’t burned.

She eventually drifted off and before she knew it, a gentle hand was shaking her awake. She was already on her feet before she realized it was Damon standing over her. She let out a little sigh, relaxing, and then she remembered what he had planned for them.

“Decided beds were suddenly not your style?” Damon asked.

Elena blinked, her thoughts getting torn away from possibly getting to taste real, fresh blood for the first time. “What?”

Damon looked at her like she was two. “Why are you sleeping on the couch?” he asked in an annoyingly slow voice.

She moved away from him, frustratingly aware of his still damp hair and the smell of soap still clinging to him. “I just fell asleep,” she muttered.

“Uh huh, sure. Just so you know, we have six other bedrooms in this house, besides Stefan’s. You don’t have to sleep on the couch if you don’t want to.”

“Thanks,” she said distractedly.

Damon frowned slightly. “You know we don’t have to do this today—”

“No, I want to. I need to. I’d rather do it with you there then have it happen accidentally…” She shuddered at the thought. “Can we just go get it over with?”

A quick, mirthless laugh escaped Damon and he shook his head. “Don’t make it sound like I’m taking you out and shoving a stake through your heart.”

“Sorry I'm not all excited to potentially kill a human being today,” she snapped back, her anger flaring its ugly head.

“Who said anything about killing someone? Christ Elena, if that’s what I had planned, I would have invited over some Tri Delts and we could have really had a party,” he all but sneered, grabbing the jacket he had laying on the chair and heading for the door.

“Damn it,” she muttered and hurried after him, her anger slipping away as quickly as it had appeared. She blocked the front door, forcing him to stop. “Can you wait for me to change?” she asked, her tone contrite. “Clothes,” she added at his slightly incredulous expression.

Damon’s face turned hard for a long moment before he finally sighed and shrugged. “Whatever. Hurry up.”

They were on the road several minutes later, blazing in the opposite direction from Mystic Falls. Elena wanted to ask where they were going, but she was so anxious she decided she really didn't want to know.

“You’re going to have to relax,” Damon said quietly as they cruised down the lonely road.

She shook her head, not looking at him. “I can’t. My whole body feels like it’s about to split apart and all I can think about is… you know.”

He glanced over at her. “Yeah, I know.”

Some time later, Damon abruptly pulled off the road, tucking his car into what looked to be an overgrown logging road, and killing the engine.

Elena looked around in confusion. “Where are we?” she asked, getting out of the car with him.

“Out of the way,” he said simply, walking back toward the road.

“But… I thought we were going… out?” Elena countered.

Damon eyed her as he stopped next to the asphalt. “What exactly do you call this?”

“I guess I thought you’d take me to a bar or something?”

Damon walked out into the middle of the road and sat down, patting the ground next to him. “You feel up to being in a hot crowded room filled with hot, yummy blood?”

Elena swallowed hard. “No, I guess not.” She frowned. “What are you doing?”

“Introducing you to the Katherine Special. I know this isn’t really your style, but our options are kinda limited.”

Elena looked up and down the road and then back at Damon, her eyes wide. “You’ve got to be kidding me, right? This is your big plan to teach me control? To prey on good Samaritans?”

“This isn’t a fucking Anne Rice novel. I don’t roam the streets looking for killers and thieves. I eat whoever has the bad luck of stumbling into me. And you will to.”

Elena shook her head, stepping back. “No. I’m not doing this.” She shoved her hands in her jeans pockets to stop their shaking. “Anyone could come down this road, Damon. A mother or a father. Someone’s kid. No. Just no.”

Damon was on his feet in front of her in the blink of an eye. “How did you think this was going to go, Elena? We’d go to a street corner and conduct interviews to see who was the best qualified for you to snack on?”

“I—I don’t even know if I want to feed on anyone! I just need to be able to control myself around them.”

He cast her a skeptical look. “What did I tell you about lying to yourself?”

The sound of a car coming around the curve and slowing down caused them both to freeze. Elena looked around frantically, looking for the best direction to run as it slowed down. When Damon’s hand locked around her upper arm, she looked up at him in a panic, wondering why he would do this to her, and then the smell hit her as the window went down.

Her entire body went taut like a cat about to pounce. She could feel the feral _need_ down to the tips of her toes as the most amazing scent she’d ever experienced drifted over her. The only thing keeping her from losing it was Damon’s hand with a vice grip on her arm, grounding her. She heard the source of the smell in the car say something, and Damon leaning down to answer back before what she vaguely recognized as a young woman slowly got out of the car and came around to stand by the hood.

Elena snapped. She lunged at the woman with a feral snarl, wanting the only thing that mattered to her. Damon wretched her back violently, pinning her firmly to a tree as she fought and cursed and railed at him, desperately trying to get around him.

He let her struggle until she reluctantly stopped, her darkened gaze still fixed on the woman over his shoulder.

“Elena, look at me.” She managed to wretch her eyes from her target, meeting Damon’s bright blue ones. “I want you to really think about this,” he said grimly. “Do you actually want to kill her?”

She almost responded with a resounding _yes!_ Every atom of her being wanted to rip and tear and drain the girl in front of her, watch the life fade from her eyes as she felt it pump through her own veins. She forced herself to do what he said, to really think about it. Eventually a small part of her decided that she couldn’t do that, that killing someone was wrong. She frowned, her blood red eyes flitting from the girl to Damon before fixing on his expectant gaze. “No, I don’t think so.”

She almost missed the look of relief that flitted over his face. “Good. I want you to think about that. Concentrate on not wanting to kill her.” He loosened his grip on her slightly, letting her move away from the tree, but keeping a firm hand on her arm. They walked up to the girl who stood unmoving, a hazy, unseeing expression on her face.

Elena licked her lips, her fangs aching to bury themselves in the smooth flesh. She shuddered, what Damon had said on repeat in her mind. “You compelled her.”

“Yeah,” he said, coming up behind her, his body a hair’s breadth from hers so she could feel the heat radiating off him. “Now you have some options on how you want to do this,” he said softly in her ear and she shivered, her eyes closing briefly as she tried to center herself.  His hand slid down her arm till it found her wrist, his thumb running light circles over her soft skin. “The wrist is nice if you’re going for more of a slow draw. You have a little more time to savor it, but you can fuck up her tendons pretty easily if you get carried away. And it’s more painful for her, a little more impersonal.”

Damon let her go, reaching up to run a finger down the side of Elena’s throat, dipping inside the collar of her shirt, causing her to gasp. “Now, her neck. There are so many options there.” He made a little noise and Elena almost moaned in response. “You can rip into it, let the blood gush over your lips, bury your face in it, make it quick and messy.” His finger stroked back up, resting on her own slow pulse point. “Or you can make it all about finesse. Sink your fangs in nice and slow, feel the blood flood your mouth, caress your tongue as you crush her body against yours.” She could hear the grin in his voice. “There are some other choices, but maybe we’ll get into those next time.” His hand slipped away and Elena stood frozen, almost mesmerized, torn between what was behind her and what was in front. “She’s all yours, Elena. How do you want her?”

She stepped forward, her eyes dancing over the young woman, coming to rest on the thin, pulsating skin of her throat. She flashed closer, her mouth watering as she leaned in, breathing in the delicious scent, all the different desires she felt coalescing into a single, driving need. She reached out, gripping the girl’s long, light brown hair, and struck.

She moaned as the first gush of blood touched her tongue, and she wrapped herself around the woman, driving her to the ground. She pushed herself into the body beneath her, feeling every labored heartbeat and breathy gasp with each swallow of the heady liquid.

“You need to stop soon, Elena.” Damon’s quiet voice penetrated the euphoric fog. She pulled another mouthful of blood, part of her wanting nothing more than to keep going until the slight flutter that was the woman’s heartbeat shuddered and stilled. It would be so easy, so quick. She moaned again at the thought, her arms tightening around the limp body.

She wanted the woman to live, that small, insistent voice told her sternly.

She snarled and took one last draw, slowly pulling back with a gasp, straining to keep herself from latching onto her throat again. She started to move back in slightly and then forced herself to stand, stumbling back. She wanted more, so much more, and maybe not just blood.

Elena looked up, her eyes locking with Damon’s who stood only a few feet away, his blue eyes dark with quickly receding veins and something else that pierced straight through her, calling to the dark and wild things inside her.

He started to say something and she rushed him, letting all her pent up, denied emotions run free as she crushed her lips to his, her hands lacing through his hair, pulling him close. He remained frozen for a millisecond before he responded, his hands running up over the swell of her hips, her sides, her back, one tangling in her long hair to cup the nape of her neck, taking control as he deepened the kiss. She moaned into him, feeling his tongue slide along hers, tasting blood and Damon and nearly combusting on the spot. She pressed herself along the length of him, needing to get closer, and then he was gone, ripped away from her with a suddenness that brought her to her knees.

“No, Elena,” he said breathlessly from behind her on the other side of the unconscious woman. “Not like this.”

She remained frozen with shock and loss. “Like what?” she asked in a ragged voice, slowly looking over her shoulder at him to see the last of the veins recede from his eyes as his face returned to normal.

He looked away, as if he couldn’t bear the sight of her. “It’s called blood lust for a reason. None of this is real.”

Elena got to her feet, turning to face him, her chest tight with wanting him. “This is real, Damon. It always has been.”

“Maybe it has, but that hasn’t changed anything in the past.” His voice was so bitter she could almost taste it.  “There’s always been a reason to not go there. You don’t want me, Elena. You want Stefan. Always Stefan… And when the you snap out of it, you’ll realize what a colossal mistake you just made here with me—again.”

Elena stared at him, her heart feeling like it was shattered into a thousand jagged pieces that were shredding her insides. She’d done this to him—made him feel like he would never be enough. Her and Katherine and Stefan and his family and his friends, all of them were responsible.

She took a step towards him, wanting nothing more than to make him see the truth, but he brushed by her, kneeling next to the woman at their feet. She stared at the empty spot for a long moment, fighting down the lump in her throat along with the still raging desire of lust and love and pure _hunger_.

She turned to find Damon pulling his healing wrist away from the girl’s blood stained mouth and standing. “You didn’t kill her. Congrats,” he said coolly, walking past her.

“Damon, please—”

“Get in the car, Elena.”


	8. All This Time

_“Take all the time lost, all the days that I cost. Take what I took and give it back to you.”_

_\- Onerepublic_

The drive back was horrible. He wouldn’t say a word to her, wouldn’t even look at her, and when they got back to the boarding house, he disappeared. She waited for him until the sun was completely gone, and when she couldn’t pace anymore, she called Jeremy.

They talked for a long time, clearing the air between them, each filling the other in on what was going on in their lives. Bonnie was back, but she was acting strangely. Caroline was still missing, but Tyler had shown up, saying he knew where she was and that she was okay. Matt and Meredith had been at the house for the last few days, helping out and keeping him company.

At one point, a loud noise interrupted them and she heard Jeremy curse, pulling the phone away and covering it so she could only make out muffled yelling.

“Sorry, Elena,” he said when he came back, sounding irritated. “What where you saying?”

“What’s going on, Jer?” she asked, her entire body on high alert at the idea of him being in danger.

“Nothing,” he muttered. “It’s just Meredith and Damon. I don’t know what they’re doing in the kitchen.”

Elena’s entire body went tense. She heard the plastic on the phone crack and she quickly loosened her grip. “Damon’s at the house?” she asked as calmly as she could.

There was a long, silent pause. “Yeah. You okay? You sound kinda funny.”

She forced herself to take an unnecessary breath, already looking around the house for her jacket. “Yeah, I’m fine. What’s he doing there?”

She could almost hear him shrug. “How should I know? Meredith brought him here from the Grill. I’m pretty sure he’s drunk off his ass. You should probably have Stefan come and pick him up. I really don’t want him spending the night, if you know what I mean.”

Elena stopped again, a tidal wave of grief, rage, jealousy, and fear washing over her. “Got it, Jer. I gotta go.”

“Elena—” her brother said, worry plain in his voice.

“I love you. I’ll talk to you soon.” She hit the end button and shoved the phone in her pocket as she headed for the basement, tucking away her roller coaster ride of emotions for later.

She could pick up the faint trace of stale blood in the air before she even made it to the bottom of the stairs. She felt a faint tingle under her eyes before she forced it down, determined to keep herself under control if she was even going to entertain the idea she was about to carry out.

She made her way to the freezer, pulling open the lid and grabbing two blood bags gingerly. She paused as she started to close the door and quickly grabbed another, figuring safer was better. If she was going after Damon in her own house, she refused to even be tempted by her brother, and the more blood in her system the better.

She slid to the floor against the opposite wall, breathing through the raging hunger that was pulsating just under her surface. She forced herself to hold the blood bag in front of her as she slowly popped off one of the tubes. The smell overwhelmed her and she closed her eyes, gasping in concentration as she struggled not to bury her face in the bag and drain it.

She sat there for many long minutes before she felt comfortable enough to bring it up and take a long draw on the tube. She moaned, her knees coming up to her chest as she curled around it, instantly vamping out, but she pulled it away, another gasp escaping her. She waited until her fangs disappeared again before she let herself have another sip, vamping out all over again.

She continued that way until the entire bag was gone. The second took almost half the time, and by the time she got to the third, she was almost comfortable taking a break between drinks, though she still couldn’t stop the veins from crawling under her eyes or her fangs popping out every time the heady liquid hit her tongue.

Feeling infinitely better about herself and her hopeful ability to somewhat control her bloodlust, she ran upstairs and grabbed her jacket, heading out the door and towards her house.

The run calmed her even more, and by the time she found herself on her porch, she was confident she was doing the right thing. She had to talk to Damon after what had happened, and if he was choosing to avoid her, she was going to take that choice away.

She steeled herself, concentrating solely on her desire to remain in control, and knocked on the door. She heard someone laugh, and a faint clutter from the opposite side of the house, followed by an exasperated noise and Jeremy’s voice from the top of the stairs yelling, “Just come in.”

 Elena froze as horror descended over her. Who the hell in Mystic Falls just blindly invited someone inside the house, especially a Gilbert? Her one safety net was suddenly gone, but before she could sort out what she was going to do now, the door swung open and Meredith stood before her, the doctor’s wide smile slipping from her face.

Elena had her pinned to the floor six feet inside the door before she could even think about her hard won control.  She stared down at her, the smell of hot, pumping human blood calling to her like a siren song. She moved forward, her eyes meeting Meredith’s wide, terrified ones and she stopped, a shudder going through her as a semblance of reason returned to her.  She frowned slightly, starting to move away when something bowled into her, driving her back till she found herself pinned to the floor.

Damon glared down at her, his eyes blazing. “Get Jeremy and get out of here, Meredith,” he growled.

Elena struggled in his gasp and to her surprise managed to switch their positions, throwing herself back towards the door and away from the humans. “I’m so sorry. You two stay, I’ll go,” she gasped, turning to run, only to have Damon crash into her again, his arms wrapping around her from behind in a crushing grip.

The smell of leather, smoke, and bourbon, lots of bourbon, momentarily overwhelmed the smell of blood and she closed her eyes briefly before managing to break free again, turning to face him this time.

“Stop it, Damon! I’m not going to attack anyone again!”

“Could have fooled me,” he snapped, straightening slowly. His footing wavered slightly as he glared at her.

“You’re drunk.”

“And you’re ruining it,” he sneered, grabbing her arm and pulling her along with him. “Christ, can’t you leave me alone for one fucking night.”

“Why? So you could hang out with _Meredith_?” she snapped, her jealousy flaring.

“Actually, yes,” he said darkly, his grip tightening painfully. “The psycho doctor’s not half bad.” He glanced at her, his expression malicious. “You should probably thank her for your lack of deadness.”

Elena ripped her arm away from him, any semblance of control gone as she lunged for him. All she could feel was anger and betrayal as she drove him to the ground, her hands and teeth trying to rip him apart. They rolled in the grass, and she heard the snap of a bone before she was pinned hard to the ground again, Damon above her with an expression of concern and pain on his face.

“What the hell’s gotten into you?” he asked warily, the bitterness and snark gone from his voice.

She felt her emotions shift again and tears formed a lump in her throat. “You just left!” she yelled. “I had no idea where you were or if something had happened! Excuse me for caring!”

As soon as she said the words, she knew she’d made a mistake. His face hardened into a look of such hatred and self-loathing she flinched away from it. He shook his head. “Fuck this,” he muttered, immediately letting her go and standing.

She was instantly on her feet as panic flooded her system. “Damon, don’t. Please—”

“No,” he said curtly. “I can’t. Not tonight.” And then he was gone.  

She let out a choked gasp, staring out into the darkness. She’d messed it up again. Every time she tried to fix what was between them, it seemed to blow up in her face, and every time he left she felt a piece of her break. She imagined feeling like this for over a hundred and fifty years and nearly sobbed. It was too horrible to imagine. She wasn’t as strong as him. She wouldn’t be able to do it.

She knew exactly what would make the hurt go away. She didn’t want to flip the switch, but there was something else that would drive all other thoughts and feelings from her mind. She finally understood all the rash, seemingly mindless decisions she’d seen Damon make in the past.  For the first time since she’d turned, she actually wanted to hunt, to feed. It was as if her body knew she was in pain and was driving her to fix it. It wouldn’t solve the problem forever, but she knew she could lose herself, if only for a little bit.

She heard someone call her name from the house, and her fists clenched as she stopped herself from turning and pouncing on them. She couldn’t stay out here. She was falling apart, little by little, and if she was anywhere near people when she finally lost it, she’d end up killing someone, she knew it.

She ran to the boarding house, barely remembering the journey. She nearly ripped the hinges off the door when she burst through and stopped in the entryway of the big, empty house, met with silence. She held back a choked sob and fell to her knees and screamed, her hands twisted in her hair as despair washed over her.

“Could you yell louder? My ears aren’t bleeding yet!” Damon yelled, coming around the corner with a decanter in hand.

She looked up through the ugly mess of her tears. “You’re here?” she asked brokenly.

His hard exterior flickered before he rolled his eyes. “Unfortunately, it seems I still live here.”

She slowly got to her feet, wiping away the tears on her cheeks and eyes, and moved toward him, but he kept the distance. She stopped, just allowing herself to feel a measure of relief at finding him not vanished again. “Please don't leave like that again.”

He snorted and walked away, taking a huge swig of the amber liquid. “Get over yourself, Elena. I know I have.”

She closed her eyes against his words for a moment, trying to get herself back together. “Is that true?”

He glanced back at her. “Is what true?”

“Are you really over me?”

He made a sound of disbelief. “You really want to know? What happened to ‘Don’t. Don’t go there, Damon’?” he asked in a mockingly high imitation.

“Damon,” she said in a pleading voice, “we need to talk about what happened.”

“Didn’t need to talk about it last time you had your tongue down my throat,” he said harshly, bringing the bottle up and taking another long drink.

She flinched at the words. “I know.”

He blew out a long breath of air. “I really don't get it, Elena. You’ve gotten exactly what you wanted. Always. The vampire thing was a bust, but you had a choice in that too. Why the hell are you so doom and gloom? You’re going to live forever! With your self proclaimed ‘soul mate.’ Cheer the fuck up. ”

“How do you not get it?” she burst out. “I’m all alone here, Damon!” She looked around, throwing her hands up in desperation. “Eternity alone was never supposed to be part of the deal. Do you see anyone else here? I feel like I’m losing the people I love one by one!”

“Don’t worry. Stefan—”

“I’m talking about you!” she screamed, so exasperated that her body was singing with the need for release, to do something, whether it was run, or fight, or kill, or fuck, she didn’t know, and again she understood how simple it was to just snap, to bury herself in hunger and blood and not care about the rest of it.

She looked up at Damon, feeling like she was about to fall over the edge. “How can you not get it? I love you! And it’s driving me insane!”

Damon froze, his hand with the decanter halfway to his lips falling to his side and staring at her with what would have been an amusing look of confusion if she hadn’t felt like her barely put together world was falling down around her.

She drew in a shuddering breath, realizing what she had just said, and felt like a dam had just burst inside her. “Every time you run out on me I feel like my heart’s getting ripped out of my chest,” she said, moving slowly towards him. “And maybe I deserve it. I’ve done horrible things to you—things I’m not proud of, that you should probably hate me for—but I can’t keep doing this, Damon. I don’t want to live without you. Not anymore.”

He stood silent, his brows furrowed, his lashes blinking rapidly. He brought the bottle up and finished the contents before carefully setting it back on the drink cart.  

“Say something, please,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

He met her gaze unwavering. “What if it’s not enough?” he asked, equally as soft. “What if it’s too little, too late?”

She felt the by now familiar stab of pain in her chest and wondered if she’d make it if he walked away again. “Then I’d try to find out what was enough. And I’d wait, as long as it took.”

His brow furrowed even more, and he shook his head. “You don’t know what the waiting would do to you, Elena. You might come out the other side and not recognize yourself.”

“You’d recognize me,” she said with a sad smile.

Some of the frost thawed from his eyes. “Don’t do this to yourself, Elena.”

“This isn’t a choice, Damon. It’s an inevitability.”

He continued to stare at her, and she could almost see his mask crumbling, one layer at a time. “Do you mean it?” he asked, his voice rough and raw with suppressed emotion.

She just nodded. “I never understood before. I do now.” Her shaking hands balled into fists. “Please tell me it’s not too late, that I haven’t driven you away for good.”

He was suddenly in front of her, his hand hovering hesitantly near her face before he let his fingertips slide along her cheek to her neck, barely touching her as if he was afraid she’d break or disappear. “You’re a vampire now. You know that’s not possible.” His other hand came up, mirroring the first. “You know you can still walk away from this. Turn around and go and we’ll pretend it never happened.” His fingers slipped into her hair and tightened almost painfully. “But if you stay, that’s it. I’m selfish, Elena. I don't think I’d be strong enough to let you go again.”

She nodded, every inch of her body aware of how close he was.  She laid a light hand on his chest, shivering slightly from the contact. “I’m not going anywhere, Damon. Ever. I love you too damn much.”

His lips crushed hers with bruising strength, his body moving the fraction of an inch between them to press along the length of hers. She moaned into the kiss, an explosion of joy bursting inside of her as she clutched at him, feeling more alive than she ever had, living or undead.

She broke away, unable to suppress the laugh that bubbled up inside of her. He froze, looking at her with a mixture of confusion and awe, his grip on her unconsciously tightening. “What is it?”

“I’m happy,” she said simply, “for the first time in so long.” She leaned up and kissed him softly, lingeringly. “Maybe, with you, I’ll actually be able to find some good in all this.”

She actually felt him relax under her hands, the tension bleeding out of him, and a small smirk appeared on his face. “Trust me, you haven’t even scratched the surface.”

His lips captured hers once more and this time she felt the need, the desperation, in them. He moved into her, moving them back, his hands running down her sides, over her ass and back up, one on the small of her back, crushing her body to his and the other gliding over her breast before cupping the nape of her neck and stealing her unneeded breath with a kiss so demanding she completely melted into him, feeling her back hit the hard surface of the nearest wall.

She clutched at him, unable to get enough, to get close enough. The warm, maddening tingle under her eyes started abruptly and she jerked back, unable to stop it. Damon made a frustrated noise as she pulled away, looking down at her with eyes blazing with need as his hands came up and cradled her face, forcing her to look at him.

“You are so damn beautiful,” he nearly growled, his thumbs brushing the twisting veins under her eyes.

She drew in a shuddering breath, blinking her blood red eyes as she tried to relax. “I can’t control it,” she said, her own voice breathy.

“You will,” he said, leaning in and kissing along her jaw, down her throat, lingering on the so slow pulse point on her neck. “But right now, it really doesn’t matter.”

“Damon…” she breathed, arching into him.

“For once, just let yourself go, Elena.” He gave a little playful nip with blunt teeth against her skin and pulled back to meet her eyes again. “I promise I won’t break.”

Something wild and free uncoiled inside of her and she smiled a smile that had never passed her lips before. She moved, reversing their positions in a heartbeat, and pulled him down into another searing kiss, feeling the smile on his own lips. His hands slipped under the hem of her shirt onto skin and she hissed, pressing against him harder. He ripped the shirt over her head, his hands everywhere, as if he could never get enough of her. They brushed her aching breast and she moaned, her own hands fumbling with the buttons on his shirt.  Her bra was suddenly gone and when his mouth closed on one of her hardened nipples she groaned, her knees trembling as her hands fisted in his hair.

She suddenly found herself slammed against the cold wall and a low growl escaped her. She practically pounced on him, her legs wrapping around his waist as she pushed his open shirt over his shoulders, her lips finding his cool skin as she fought the urge to sink her fangs into his flesh.

They stumbled away from the wall, slowly making their way towards the stairs, a jumble of hands and lips and bare skin. Before she knew it, she was being thrown on his huge bed, bouncing slightly on the mattress as he stalked towards her, crawling up after her. She pulled him down to her, his weight settling on top of her.

“Tell me this is real,” he said, kissing a hot path up her stomach, between her breasts to her throat.

“God, I hope so,” she breathed, her hands fumbling with his belt buckle.

He grabbed her wrists, pinning them above her head. “Tell me,” he murmured against her skin, settling himself firmly between her legs so she was acutely aware of just how aroused he was.

Her hips bucked against him, wanting more but unable to break his hold. “Please, Damon…”

He chuckled against her, his free hand skimming down her body to play with the waistband of her jeans. “You have no idea how much I want you.”

A little moan escaped her. “Why keep waiting then?” The button on her jeans popped open and she heard the hiss of the zipper. His finger slipped inside the band of her panties and she arched against him, almost crazy with need. “God, it’s real, okay? This is the most real I’ve ever felt.”

He released her wrists, his hand slipping lower between her folds, causing her to gasp. His mouth moved against her and she felt the scrap of sharp teeth against the sensitive skin of her throat just as his fingers slipped inside her.

She writhed underneath him, almost combusting on the spot, and before she knew what she was doing she sank her fangs into his throat, drawing in a hot mouthful of blood that tasted like nothing she had ever experienced before. He groaned, his fingers curling inside her as his other hand fisted in her hair, holding her tight to him.

“Fuck, Elena,” he swore, his cock pressing heavily against her leg. She made a little noise and pulled back gasping. Before she even had a moment to gain any bearings Damon had them both naked, poised at her entrance, his eyes fixed on hers.

“God, I love you,” she said, her voice breathy, running her fingers along his cheek.

He leaned forward, slowly sinking into her, making her whimper as he buried himself completely inside her, his own breath coming in gasps in her ear. “I’ve waited so long to hear you say that,” he whispered, his lips caressing the skin under her ear, his tongue leaving a hot trail as he moved down her throat.

Elena bucked her hips, wanting nothing more than for him to move. She raked her nails up his back, feeling the hardened muscles shift and tense under the smooth skin. “Damon, I—”

His mouth closed on her breast just as he thrust forward and any coherent thought she had was gone. She moaned as he drove into her again, the slow swirl of his tongue on her sensitive peak driving her mad. She moved with him on the next one and she heard the low groan in his throat as his hand replaced his mouth and he captured her lips, picking up the pace. She cried out into his mouth as he thrust harder, hitting that one spot over and over until her body was strung so tight she was begging to break. His mouth moved to her throat again and she felt the scrap of teeth a second before they broke her skin.

Her world imploded. Her body quaked under him as every muscle in her body went tight and limp at the same time. She screamed as her release rolled through her, clutching at him as she tried to ride out the most overwhelming sensation she’d ever felt. She felt him take another long draw of blood and another wave of pleasure rolled through her until she felt completely boneless and shattered.

He pulled away from her with a gasp, the small wound closing almost immediately, and she moved, flipping them over so she was straddling him, his cock still buried inside her. She rolled her hips, and he gasped again till she caught his lips in another searing kiss, tasting herself on his tongue as it lazily slid along hers. She sat up and smiled as she started to move over him, his hands gripping her hips hard enough to bruise as he guided her rhythm and gazed up at her with hooded eyes. She made a little noise, and he suddenly sat up, thrusting up into her, one hand on the small of her back for leverage and the other slipping between their slick bodies, his thumb finding her clit.

In seconds she was falling again, her head tipping back as she cried out, and his thrusts turned sporadic and needy till he shuddered underneath her, his own cry of pleasure mingling with hers as he crushed her against him. They finally stilled and fell back on the bed, collapsing in each other’s arms, breath coming in gasps.

“Holy shit,” Elena gasped, turning her head to look at him, utterly unable to move any other part of her body.

Damon laughed. “I’ve reduced you to swearing. I’ll take that as a win.”

“I’ll give it to you. Ten gold stars.”

His expression turned into a playful pout, but she could still see the new spark in his eyes. “Only ten?”

“What else then, if ten gold stars aren’t enough?”

He pulled her impossibly closer. “Just you. Always you.” She saw the old flash of vulnerability, and her heart clenched. “You know I love you.”

She kissed his chest. “I do now.” She reached up slowly and brushed a loose strand of hair from his forehead. “You got me through this, Damon. _You_. Your love and your loyalty. It’s my turn to be there for you.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Elena.” She saw the spark in his eyes flicker and a chill swept through her.

She sat up, looking down at him. “That’s not what I meant.” He just looked at her, his hand coming up and lightly brushing her cheek. “I’m serious Damon,” she said, reaching up and staying his caress. “I know this is just the beginning. I know we’re still going to fight and not get along sometimes, but I want all of it. I have so much to prove to you still, but you have to believe that this is it for me.”

He sat up abruptly, his intense gaze capturing hers. “Elena, shut up.” He kissed her hard, and she made a small noise of contentment, leaning into him until he pulled back. “Trust me, you don’t need to prove anything to me.” His eyes roamed over his face with a slight look of awe and fierce possessiveness. “You’re just going to have to give me some time to get used to the idea that you’re actually mine.”

She smiled, knowing that things had finally turned for the better. “Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


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